Overcoming Rejection

This article is straight forward and to the point. No one deserves to be rejected, however it is the rejected party's responsibility to chose whether they will let the rejection determine their response (which will be negative) or will they consciously choose to process the rejection in light of "reality", it is simply the other person's choice. You do not have to integrate their negative view of you into your sense of self. YOU CHOOSE to define yourself not them. NEVER let someone else define who you are. It may be incredibly painful but you have to let them go if that is their choice.

For a great book dealing with controlling people who reject you go to "Control Freaks".

clipped from www.4therapy.com Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects. Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: • There is something wrong with you. • You are disliked. • You will never change. • You do not belong in this group. • You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable. • You are not one of us. The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

Addiction and Real Love

This article is a great description of what addiction is, where it comes from and what REAL LOVE is and how it relates to addictions.

clipped from www.reallove.com Addiction is the compulsive use of any substance, person, feeling, or behavior with a relative disregard of the potentially negative social, psychological, and physical consequences. This definition of addiction creates a much broader—and more accurate—picture of addiction, which we will demonstrate in much greater detail throughout the remainder of this article. Addiction is not a disease. Addiction is a response to pain. Real Love But not just any kind of love will do. The only kind of love that can fill us up and make us whole emotionally is Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally. For more information go to "CONTROL FREAKS"

Making Amends

Although I am a christian the truths and principles in this article by a Buddhist monk regarding our need to take responsibility for our OWN choices in life and not blame others, regardless of their words and actions, is universal. For an excellent resource on finding FREEDOM from other people's dictates go to either http://control-freak-series.blogspot.com/ or http://startlifetoday.blogspot.com/
Best Wishes to all.
-- Kenneth

clipped from innerself.com Making Amends by Madeline Ko-i Bastis When we quiet the mind, our transgressions emerge from the shadows and we become sensitive to our interaction with others. A turning point presents itself. Though we feel regret at having caused harm, there may still be a niggling voice whispering that our actions were necessary. Tit for tat; he deserved that; we were not acting, only reacting. It's important to remember that we alone are in control of our actions. When the words and actions of other people dictate our choices, we are not free. This is our opportunity to make a major change in our lives and unyoke ourselves from the ingrained habit of being reactive.

Who Defines YOU?

Some people will "make up" your reality, as if they were you, ("I know you better than you know yourself"). When this happens there is no doubt they are trying to control you, whether they are conscious of it or not. They are simply "pretending" as if you do not really exist or could possibly have a reality of your own apart from what they determine in their mind.

They are pretending because it is impossible for someone to know another's inner reality, desires, motives, feelings, thoughts, likes, dislikes, your level of knowledge or who you are. You and only you can define yourself. No one has the right to define another being and you do not have to prove or convince someone else. You only have to know yourself. If someone else will not accept your self-definition they are trying to control you.

Do not fall prey as I did to believing that someone who defines you is wise or logical (no matter how good their argument is). If you do you are only allowing yourself to be blinded by incredible nonsense. Patricia Evans states the following, "What blinds people the most to controlling behavior is the belief that the person who consistently defines them truly loves them".

Inner confidence is difficult to have and keep when your own truth and reality is constantly being denied (often with an attitude of blame, righteousness and guilting). Then you slowly lose awareness of you own self which robs you of the ability to respond to your own internal needs. This happens little by little every time we choose to allow someone else to define us and our reality. In doing so we are agreeing with the lie that our own experience was/is not real.

The final outcome is we lose the ability to trust ourselves and thus ususally become dependent on the very person who is trying to exert control over us.

We have to own responsibility for ourselves and not fall into the blame game. While it may be true that someone is behaving toward us in a controlling manner it is ultimately our responsibility to not accept the lies being directed at us and in love stand firm against such behavior or we are willingly giving up on ourselves. This is by no means easy however GOD did not make a mistake when he created you and He gave all of us the same gift, a unique SELF, that is capable of experiencing life on this earth without the need to have someone else tell us what that is.

Thanks for listeing. If you are interested in more and better information on the subject of Control Freaks (there is one in each of us to some degree) check out the linked book cover below.

Kenneth

Control Freaks

I have found a great reference for anyone dealing with their own control issues or looking for practical ways to respond to the controlling behaviors of someone else and wants FREEDOM!!!

Read the Introduction for Free, Click here

Dear Friends,

Thanks for checking us out! We’re glad you’re joining us on the mission to live lightly – or at least the mission to read a book about it. The Control Freak’s Guide™ to Living Lightly – Manifesting A Life of Total Trust is all about allowing you, control freak or not, to free yourself from that box you’ve been living in. You know – the one that keeps you spinning your wheels when what you really want is to move forward; the one from which you must free yourself if you wish to live a life of complete peace, abundance, and joy. Yes, this really is possible and The Control Freak’s Guide™ is designed to help you do it. We keep hearing it from people all around the world: The investment that you make in the price of the book is insignificant when compared to the radical abundance that comes from reading it and working its principles into your life. We build upon these guiding principles in our free quarterly newsletter, Whatever News (once you've read the book you'll get the title), and in our free 6-week e-course, Freakology 101.

Click here to purchase The Control Freak's Guide™

===================================================================

The article below by TJ Schumacher is outstanding in describing the controlling person in your life and how to best manage that relationship if you intend to stay in it.
---- Kenneth -----

Dealing With Control Freaks

Article by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
More About Thomas...

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.