Giving Up A Part of Yourself and Your Wholeness

The following is a quote from Susan Forward's book titled "Emotional Blackmail". It has significant meaning in my life and I thought it would be good to share with others. The book is excellent for anyone who believes they are or may be manipulated by someone via their use of fear, obligation and guilt.

"One of the most serious effects of emotional blackmail is the way it narrows our world. We often give up people and activities we love in order to please our blackmailers, especially if they are controlling or overly needy. But every time you don't take the class you want to take, every time you stop pursuing an interest or stop seeing people you care about in order to make a blackmailer happy, you are giving up an important part of yourself and diminishing your wholeness"

I encourage you to never give up on yourself. I know I did and it cost me a huge portion of my life. All because I believed her lie that because she was scared, inconvienced, or disapproved then it must mean I was either "wrong", "selfish" or "stupid". What a bunch of bull!! I cannot change the past but I sure intend to not waste the second half of my life believing such crap.

Beliefs, Feelings and Emotions

Beliefs, Feelings, Emotions: Leaders They Must Be Understood By Leaders - Leadership - Roger Ingbretsen

By Roger IngbretsenFrom http://www.evancarmichael.com

Beliefs, feelings and emotions play heavily into organizational and a team work culture. This is an area that is often overlooked or taken for granted and yet has one of the greatest effects on promoting a positive synergy within any type of organizational structure. Beliefs determine how an individual or an organization approaches the future. In my use of the word “beliefs,” its true purpose is that it serves as the major guide for our decisions, which in turn dictates our behaviors. Beliefs are a refection of who we are as individuals they speak to our life experiences and to our heritage and collectively our culture. Beliefs have an influence at every stage of our making a choice. Beliefs shape what we perceive to be good or bad, true or false. Many beliefs are merely habits because we don’t know any other way of thinking or because we haven’t stopped to think about the motives or reasons for those beliefs. Our true beliefs are the principles we live by. Interesting, beliefs are latent constructs and as such are not observable in themselves. That is, we can only infer that people have certain beliefs by what they say, do, or how they behave. The same holds true for organizations. I have come to realize that our beliefs, feeling and emotions combined, are the strongest components of the work culture. They are the drivers and the expression of those drivers. This holds true for all of the people who make up any size and structure of what we call organization or team. By explaining some of our common experiences with regard to our beliefs, feelings and emotions, we can gain a better understanding of both some of the “how’s” and “whys” when dealing with change and management. We are what we believe, learn and experience. As we live life through our learned and experienced belief system, we compose our mental model of reality. Reality to each of us is the sum total of what we believe to be fact. These perceived facts can often cause us to not see things in a new way or they can prevent us from possibly seeking more factual information. We find great comfort in our beliefs, usually failing to question anything that may cause us to feel uncomfortable. I personally think we fail to question our deeply held beliefs because in a sense it makes us feel more vulnerable. It’s almost as if we are questioning our own identity of the person we think we are. Also, our beliefs most often feel so natural to us that changing them is a risk few people ever attempt. Adding to this equation is the fact that we have enormous emotional ties to what has worked for us in the past, so we tend to do more of the same, thinking that what worked in the past is the answer to our future.I think most would agree that “the important thing” we value in our lives either collectively or individually is “our life experiences.” These experiences can relate to family, friends, our jobs, etc. It is human nature to reduce our everyday experiences to personal terms. “My project” is an example of the intimate context that a turned on innovative person would ascribe to a job they are engaged in. Through personal experience and observation, I’ve concluded that two dimensions measure our experiences. They are, the quantity – how much or how little I experience something – and the quality of the experience – was it pleasurable or painful and to what degree. I’m convinced that what we believe, how we feel about what we believe and how those feelings are expressed or suppressed in the form of our emotions, are central to how we perceive and experience life. Therefore, the quality of our life is measured by the sum total of the quality of our experiences. Additionally, we are continually “shaped” by our experiences as we go through life. This shaping process becomes the form and texture of our beliefs. Just as the potter shapes and molds a vessel, we too can shape and mold our beliefs. But, just like the potter, as soon as the vessel is put into the kiln to fire it, the vessel is then robbed of its ability to be reshaped. When we truly fire our beliefs they become virtually impossible to change. To continue the shaping process it takes a major break, a major event, to once again set in motion the evolution of our beliefs.There are rare instances in our lives where physical or emotional response to trauma based on our animal or primal “fight or flight,” instincts kick in. This can occur when an individual is subjected to severe stress or to what the individual believes to be a threatening situation. The response may be one of confrontation or of avoidance. The fight or flight response can be an excellent safety valve because it enables an individual to quickly resist or move away from the threatening situation. However, for the vast majority of our lives it is our belief system, which guides our actions. Indeed to the extent we have the ability to think and dream up and believe in threatening situations, we also have the ability to think through and believe in our ability to develop a myriad of solutions, so life is not so threatening. We can learn how to conquer or protect ourselves from those things that used to threaten us to the point where we begin to believe in our enhanced capabilities. Our beliefs can enable us to become more adaptive. With this said, my definitions of beliefs, feelings and emotion are in order. Beliefs are our mental acceptance of, or our conviction in, the truth or actuality of a statement. Feelings are the mental or physical sensations or awareness that is triggered by our beliefs. Emotions are the complex and often strong response or expression of our feelings, which most often is driven by choice, not reason. Each of these can be explained from the standpoint of how they express themselves from both an individual and organizational context. Our beliefs, feelings and emotions play a very important role in how we interact and react to our world. They both force us, and allow us, to respond to and deal with the overwhelming environment that surrounds us. In fact, the most chaotic area in our life will most likely involve the areas of our beliefs, feeling and emotions. When we start looking more carefully into the language of our beliefs, feelings and emotions, we will quickly realize that most people do not have a solid understanding of them, even though they comprise the very essence of how we deal with or react to everything and everybody. We use the words beliefs, feelings and emotions, most often without having been taught what they are; however, they are so important that they should at the very least be generally understood because of how they affect what we do and how we act. This is of key importance because in short – beliefs, feelings and emotions are at the heart of how we experience life – life both on and off the job.The more we learn and understand about human behavior the more we come to realize the extraordinary power that beliefs have over our personal lives and our collective culture. The power of our beliefs often defies logic. Logical or not, it is clear the beliefs which people construct about their life and about themselves, strongly influence the decisions emerging in their minds and hearts. In fact, our personal beliefs are at the very core of our decision-making. That is, most of our decisions are based on the beliefs we hold, whether consciously or subconsciously. Also our beliefs have relative importance. Some beliefs a person will die for, while others are simply what they say they believe and to which has been attached, very little thought. For most, it is easier to say what we believe than to “be” what we believe. Ultimately, beliefs are not best expressed in words but rather are expressed in the choices made. A good test to measure the importance of beliefs is to ask, “Do I really live, act and behave in a manner consistent with what I say I believe both to others and myself?” Honestly answering this question can provide great insight on both how important a belief is and help in making decisions, which are consistent with that belief. Honestly answering this question could also cause a person to rethink and possibly change their beliefs, to better align with or cope with reality. All of the above also holds true when discussing organizational beliefs.Beliefs are our attitudes toward what we think to be the truth about a statement. If we strongly believe a statement to be true, then we believe in what that statement espouses. Some beliefs such as a moral belief or what can be called a background belief or true belief can be very strong, staying with us our entire life. Interestingly but not surprising, we tend to gather information that supports our dominant beliefs rather than search objectively for the truth. In fact, the more we have invested in our beliefs the harder it is to change them because we continually seek to reinforce them. Depending on how strong our moral beliefs are, they can actually define who we are to both others and ourselves. As an example, a person may believe all their life in a particular religion and actively practice that religion as part of their everyday life. That particular religion and the statements it makes represents the truth to them and they are willing to defend or act upon the statements, which that particular religion teaches. Religion is a perfect example of a strong belief because even if any doubts exist about religious beliefs, people often embark on a strategy of self-brainwashing by going to their particular house of worship, saying prayers and doing activities with others who share their beliefs. This practice ultimately helps promote and reinforce beliefs.If there are still some doubts about religious beliefs many rationalize those doubts by tagging the doubts with an expression of “faith in a mystical belief.” This in fact says, there is no proof that the religious beliefs are based on actual tangible truth or fact, but perhaps rather on faith in beliefs that have been passed down through the centuries or through some other reasoning. I would say that all religions are ultimately based on a belief in faith. Some people’s faith in their beliefs is so strong that they will die defending them. This discussion on religious beliefs is not meant as a negative about human nature or religion. The reason I used this example of religious belief is because it serves as an excellent example of how beliefs effect emotions. This is important when we realize that emotions follow a belief, not necessarily a proven truth. Studies conducted on the subject of emotions, point to the fact that more than intellectual ability, emotions drive our thinking and interaction with others and situations. I can get very emotional because I believe a snake is going to attack me, when the truth is, the snake is in a coil position to protect itself, not attack. The stronger the belief, the stronger the emotions. It then follows that beliefs and emotions come in degrees. This can then raise the questions, can beliefs be changed? And if so how? And will this change affect emotions?Once a belief is acquired it tends to stay with us a long time; however, beliefs may change with new evidence or a reflection on old evidence. As an example; I may believe that a particular National Football Team is the best there is. I believe this because they win game after game, some Super Bowl titles and have one of the best quarterbacks in the league. I also like there name, the color of their uniforms and believe in their abilities. My belief is so strong that I have purchased expensive season tickets and really get emotional at every game. I feel fantastic because they almost always win. Then they start to lose a few games. A few, turns into many. I go through denial saying it’s just a temporary thing. Eventually the statistics (evidence) begins to effect my belief. In a few years I change my mind and now believe that another NFL team is best or I may even give up football as something to which I no longer want to commit time and money. I went from an emotional high to an emotional low and on to accepting reality over my beliefs in a team or a sport. I would propose that if as an individual you want to be more effective, live life with conscious choice rather than through unconscious programming. Observe your beliefs through your emotions and ask what am I feeling? Try to ascertain how your beliefs are causing you to emotionally act, and evaluate what particular beliefs are causing you to feel emotional. Ask the question, if I changed my belief could it cause me to act and feel differently? Would the change allow me to adapt and become more effective and successful? In a beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In an expert’s mind there are few. With regard to changing your beliefs, a possibility is to think like a beginner!Let’s bring our beliefs discussion into our work world. “The organization is, above all, social. It is people. Its purpose must therefore be to make the strengths of people effective and their weakness irrelevant.” From the Drucker Foundation book The Organization of the future. If I believe I’m working for a great leader and I believe he or she is doing the right thing for the organization, I will most likely be emotionally attracted to do whatever it takes to make that leader successful. If I’m working for what I believe to be a good organization my beliefs will cause me to defend and feel that I should emotionally support that organization. If I’m working with what I believe to be great people on a great project, my beliefs will cause me to feel that I should emotionally and passionately support both the team and the project. Compounding the positive and negative power of our individual belief system in an organization is the “institutional belief system.” Institutional beliefs, which have also been referred to, as “institutional memory” can be a very positive influence or it can compound the degree of difficulty in making virtually any change within an organization. Quoting Alvin Toffler, “Every business has a belief system and it is at least as important as its accounting system or its authority system.” Even when exceptional leadership for change emerges, overall institutional resistance can remain strong. The comfort and belief in “how we’ve always done things around here” can be and in most situations is, very difficult to overcome. In my observations, the cultural norms or beliefs are so pervasive that they are almost invisible. If changes are to be made, I believe one of the first things that must be done is find the true answer to “how are things done around here?” When this is done, then a plan can be put together, which can begin the process of changing the belief system. It is very important to determine if the organizational beliefs are “obsolete” or are they “supportive” of the future. If the organization must change in order to sustain itself it is imperative that leadership clearly communicates why it is changing and continually work on the belief system with facts, pictures, meetings, messages, hallway talk, whatever it takes to help everyone understand the truths behind the new statement. When the beliefs change, the emotions will follow. Only when the beliefs, emotions and the language that surrounds them change, will attitudes become positive toward a new way of doing things.Beliefs and emotions have been discussed, so where do feelings come into play? As has been stated, feelings are the mental and physical sensations or awareness we experience as a result of our beliefs. If one of our beliefs is challenged we will feel uncomfortable, upset or even angry. As an example we may believe that everyone in our neighborhood should take care of his or her yard. When one person does not go along with our beliefs we could be upset or even very angry depending upon how much we believed that a beautiful neat neighborhood is important. We can even solicit reinforcement for our belief by asking others in the neighborhood how they feel. Their feelings can then have further impact on ours. If one of our beliefs is highly supported by others we will feel good, excited or even euphoric. If you believe that hard work should be rewarded and your boss publicly praises you for all the hard work you have just put into a project, you will feel very good and your belief in hard work as being the right thing to do will be reinforced. If others are present when you are rewarded they too can have their belief system reinforced or even changed. If they did not believe that hard work gets rewarded, the observation of your being rewarded is an outward sign of a cultural belief system, which the leader’s behavior validates. As stated earlier a cultural belief system has a very strong effect on individuals. That cultural belief system can make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable. Feeling good or bad about an organization comes from what people believe about the daily activities that occur in the organization. This last example is excellent testament to studies that indicate that the single greatest influence on the work culture of an organization or team is the actions of the leader and their effects on a cultural belief system. Even as you have read what has been presented up to this point, your feelings – those mental or physical sensations and awareness – could be stirring some emotions. Your feelings may agree or disagree with what has been said. You may feel “Oh here we go again,” or “Hey this is interesting, I want to read more.”How does this discussion of beliefs, feelings and emotions tie into chaos and complexity found in leading an organization? Looking at any type of organization as a complex nonlinear system it becomes easier to view the overall complexity of the total organization or project, rather than simply looking at its parts. Having the ability to see things as connected, and having the ability to align beliefs to the whole rather than a part, one can develop a greater wisdom toward reaching a balance for all concerned. Rather than getting feelings bogged down in the minutia of parts, more energy can be spent seeing how beliefs fit into and are connected to the big picture. One of the characteristics needed in the new complex work environment is having the wisdom and broad perspective to see the big picture. By seeing the interrelationships of beliefs,feelings and emotions, rather than linear cause-effect chains and by seeing the overall processes required to accomplish the end rather than snap shots in a vacuum, most people will have a stronger and more valid belief in what he or she is doing. They will feel more connected and be better prepared to emotionally support the organizational effort.The scientific community takes a holistic view seeing all phenomena as inseparable elements of living systems. In living systems very little is absolutely predictable, therefore the emphasis is always on process and change and adaptive systems. Nothing is regarded separately from eventual change and the consequences of those changes on the larger environment. I believe the time has come to look at organizations as living systems. People are whole living entities not just hands. They are thinking, believing, feeling and emotional living beings, which need to be engaged at the highest, level possible. Organizations are above all social structures built on people. If an organization, group or team is to be successful, it must build itself on the strengths of its entire staff. The structure of the organization must nourish and grow the talents of those people who display interest in wanting to be part of the process.Just as the scientific community has taken a holistic view, so too should the organizational community or project team. They should look at the whole rather than its parts. This especially holds true for the leadership of an organization where a holistic view helps keep everyone moving in one direction within a continually changing process. In order for people’s minds and hearts to really get behind their work they must absolutely understand the big picture and truly believe, in what they are about to undertake. To quote Alvin Toffler, “You’ve got to think about the big things while you’re doing the small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction.” Also, the idea of thinking as a holistic complex organization or team is to get the whole moving faster than its parts. Stanley Davis, author of Future Perfect talks about a holistic model in this way. “The whole is not the sum of the parts, but rather the sum of the parts and their interrelationships. It’s the relationship between parts that give them significance,” he further states: “Organization, like technology and business, needs to refocus on the compatibility of parts, such that each may access any other part, and embody the whole simultaneously.” We create the world we live in, the organization we work in, the teams we are members of and the beliefs we hold both as individuals and collectively as organizations. In other words, we each create our own reality and the same holds true for any type of organization. Evaluation of beliefs helps you understand how important they are in your decision making process. When self-beliefs go unexamined they can impose restrictive non-holistic thinking. It is also important to take a holistic view of the collective beliefs to make sure they are in alignment with organizational outcomes. Organizations must purposefully create and facilitate an environment in which both leaders and followers can develop their capabilities by providing greater opportunities to experience and practice shared beliefs within flexible roles. Instead of fixing pieces and parts, leaders and followers must redesign the processes as they apply to the whole. They must believe and understand that their collective performance relates to the total performance of the organization. This is what holistic systems thinking is all about. When this becomes part of the cultural belief system, both leaders and followers will have increased their ability to impact outcomes and effect change from any position in the organization.

Overcoming Rejection

This article is straight forward and to the point. No one deserves to be rejected, however it is the rejected party's responsibility to chose whether they will let the rejection determine their response (which will be negative) or will they consciously choose to process the rejection in light of "reality", it is simply the other person's choice. You do not have to integrate their negative view of you into your sense of self. YOU CHOOSE to define yourself not them. NEVER let someone else define who you are. It may be incredibly painful but you have to let them go if that is their choice.

For a great book dealing with controlling people who reject you go to "Control Freaks".

clipped from www.4therapy.com Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging it can be to overcome the effects. Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: • There is something wrong with you. • You are disliked. • You will never change. • You do not belong in this group. • You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable. • You are not one of us. The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

Addiction and Real Love

This article is a great description of what addiction is, where it comes from and what REAL LOVE is and how it relates to addictions.

clipped from www.reallove.com Addiction is the compulsive use of any substance, person, feeling, or behavior with a relative disregard of the potentially negative social, psychological, and physical consequences. This definition of addiction creates a much broader—and more accurate—picture of addiction, which we will demonstrate in much greater detail throughout the remainder of this article. Addiction is not a disease. Addiction is a response to pain. Real Love But not just any kind of love will do. The only kind of love that can fill us up and make us whole emotionally is Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally. For more information go to "CONTROL FREAKS"

Making Amends

Although I am a christian the truths and principles in this article by a Buddhist monk regarding our need to take responsibility for our OWN choices in life and not blame others, regardless of their words and actions, is universal. For an excellent resource on finding FREEDOM from other people's dictates go to either http://control-freak-series.blogspot.com/ or http://startlifetoday.blogspot.com/
Best Wishes to all.
-- Kenneth

clipped from innerself.com Making Amends by Madeline Ko-i Bastis When we quiet the mind, our transgressions emerge from the shadows and we become sensitive to our interaction with others. A turning point presents itself. Though we feel regret at having caused harm, there may still be a niggling voice whispering that our actions were necessary. Tit for tat; he deserved that; we were not acting, only reacting. It's important to remember that we alone are in control of our actions. When the words and actions of other people dictate our choices, we are not free. This is our opportunity to make a major change in our lives and unyoke ourselves from the ingrained habit of being reactive.

Who Defines YOU?

Some people will "make up" your reality, as if they were you, ("I know you better than you know yourself"). When this happens there is no doubt they are trying to control you, whether they are conscious of it or not. They are simply "pretending" as if you do not really exist or could possibly have a reality of your own apart from what they determine in their mind.

They are pretending because it is impossible for someone to know another's inner reality, desires, motives, feelings, thoughts, likes, dislikes, your level of knowledge or who you are. You and only you can define yourself. No one has the right to define another being and you do not have to prove or convince someone else. You only have to know yourself. If someone else will not accept your self-definition they are trying to control you.

Do not fall prey as I did to believing that someone who defines you is wise or logical (no matter how good their argument is). If you do you are only allowing yourself to be blinded by incredible nonsense. Patricia Evans states the following, "What blinds people the most to controlling behavior is the belief that the person who consistently defines them truly loves them".

Inner confidence is difficult to have and keep when your own truth and reality is constantly being denied (often with an attitude of blame, righteousness and guilting). Then you slowly lose awareness of you own self which robs you of the ability to respond to your own internal needs. This happens little by little every time we choose to allow someone else to define us and our reality. In doing so we are agreeing with the lie that our own experience was/is not real.

The final outcome is we lose the ability to trust ourselves and thus ususally become dependent on the very person who is trying to exert control over us.

We have to own responsibility for ourselves and not fall into the blame game. While it may be true that someone is behaving toward us in a controlling manner it is ultimately our responsibility to not accept the lies being directed at us and in love stand firm against such behavior or we are willingly giving up on ourselves. This is by no means easy however GOD did not make a mistake when he created you and He gave all of us the same gift, a unique SELF, that is capable of experiencing life on this earth without the need to have someone else tell us what that is.

Thanks for listeing. If you are interested in more and better information on the subject of Control Freaks (there is one in each of us to some degree) check out the linked book cover below.

Kenneth

Control Freaks

I have found a great reference for anyone dealing with their own control issues or looking for practical ways to respond to the controlling behaviors of someone else and wants FREEDOM!!!

Read the Introduction for Free, Click here

Dear Friends,

Thanks for checking us out! We’re glad you’re joining us on the mission to live lightly – or at least the mission to read a book about it. The Control Freak’s Guide™ to Living Lightly – Manifesting A Life of Total Trust is all about allowing you, control freak or not, to free yourself from that box you’ve been living in. You know – the one that keeps you spinning your wheels when what you really want is to move forward; the one from which you must free yourself if you wish to live a life of complete peace, abundance, and joy. Yes, this really is possible and The Control Freak’s Guide™ is designed to help you do it. We keep hearing it from people all around the world: The investment that you make in the price of the book is insignificant when compared to the radical abundance that comes from reading it and working its principles into your life. We build upon these guiding principles in our free quarterly newsletter, Whatever News (once you've read the book you'll get the title), and in our free 6-week e-course, Freakology 101.

Click here to purchase The Control Freak's Guide™

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The article below by TJ Schumacher is outstanding in describing the controlling person in your life and how to best manage that relationship if you intend to stay in it.
---- Kenneth -----

Dealing With Control Freaks

Article by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
More About Thomas...

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Some Coping Strategies

1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.